The kiddos are plotting against me

That’s right, I have uncovered a conspiracy in my own home.

My precious little girls are actually working against me to drive me insane. And not just insane…I feel myself on the verge of that mushy brain feeling. They are actually turning my brain to mush.

Now, you may ask, why would they want to do that?

I’ve been thinking about that all night long — which might also attribute to the mushy brain feeling. They must want something from me. Perhaps they know about the hidden stash of oreos under the bathroom sink. Maybe they’ve decided that without me, they can have every television in our house on, and they don’t have to be watching them. I don’t know, Dally’s been in my jewelry box a few times this week and I swear I saw Bailey wearing my pearl necklace yesterday. Hmmmm….

Now I honestly believe I would enjoy a nice stay in a sanitarium. It’s quiet. I like white. I vaguely remember that I liked drugs when I was in the hospital giving birth. Someone else cooks and cleans for you. And I would rock a straight jacket. I’ve just got that look.

But I can’t let those kiddos get into my oreos. So I must stay here to guard them. Oh, and take care of the kiddos.

The methods they have devised for driving me crazy are quite well thought out.

The current one involves them both being in my chair with me right now. Dally is very interested in our teeth this morning and keeps asking to see them. Or prying her sister’s mouth open to look at hers. Bailey won’t sit down and keeps wacking me in the face. Dally keeps trying to spin the chair.

Bailey has been naked seventeen times this morning. And cried until I put clothes back on her. Which then she promptly takes off.

Dally rubbed my deodorant all over her entire body. Then left it in the floor for her sister to dig her fingers into and smear all over the bathroom vanity.

Dally “mistook” my hairspray for air freshener (which I have no idea where she learned about) and sprayed the entire house with it while I cooked breakfast.

Me: What’s that smell? It smells like perfume or air freshener or my hairspray…Oh my goodness. I’m going to kill you. (I just thought that last part, didn’t really say it. Still thinking it occasionally.)

Dally and Bailey can’t be within 500 feet of each other without fighting.

Bailey won’t stop wacking me.

Dally won’t stop….anything I ask her to stop doing.

Bailey is standing in the middle of the living room yelling “NO” over and over.

And the animals are in on it too. The bay colt played dead on me yesterday. The goat ate a Christmas wreath. Our beloved dog, Okie, is digging a basement for his doghouse, and the cats left me seven dead field mice on my front porch last night.

And then, the final thing that left me actually banging my head into the wall (which has crayon on it) was….

 

That’s my new makeup on her face. Brand new.

I’m going to go take an asprin and lay down. And think about my blessings for a while. Before I go insane.